Millie Colleen Johnson's Birth Story

Millie just hit her two month mark and it reminded me that I had to write down her birth story before I forgot it all!

Just like with Walter's, it's ridiculously long and overly detailed. But I don't want to lose any of the moments from that amazing day.

For Millie's birth, I wanted to try doing it natural. I had wanted to do Walter's that way, but hadn't even known how to prepare for it. So when I told my midwife (Jenny Sorensen) she recommended hypnobirthing. Levi and I signed up for a class when I was about 30 weeks along. It was 3 hours long every Saturday for 5 weeks. WE LOVED IT. After the first class, Levi and I went and got hamburgers. This actually became "tradition" and we would eat hamburgers before or after every class. After the first class, Levi admitted that he had been super nervous about having another baby. But after that class, he was really excited and looking forward to it. It became a fun date night where we would giggle at what the teacher said, and get ready and excited for our new baby! We grew really close during those weeks.

So every day, I would practice my meditations...which usually put me to sleep. Walter would even do them with me. It was so cute to hear him reciting, by memory, the meditations. Sometimes at night, as we were putting him to sleep, he'd ask to listen to "Mommy's meditations." 

Anyways, we felt ready! We learned a ton in our class that we had never known about childbirth and we learned a lot of techniques to help through the labor. We were so excited!

I played it really safe, because I didn't want the baby to come too early (there had been some worry of that with Walter). So I had quit work earlier than I wanted and made sure to take it easy. My mom was super worried, because she was going to grade essays in Kansas city and didn't want me going into labor while she was gone. I can also remember not wanting the baby to come until after July 4th (she was due July 3rd), because I didn't want to fight traffic getting to the hospital on a holiday, I didn't want to miss the fireworks, and Maggie's soon-to-be in laws were coming to dinner that Sunday and I wanted to meet them. So, you know, priorities. Millie ended up being very accommodating. Too accommodating, actually. 

There were lots of things that helped take my mind off of pregnancy for that last month (by far, the longest part of pregnancy).

My due date came!...and went. No baby. I spent the next several days at my mom's house in a stupor of depression because I was done being pregnant. I could remember Lauralyn (our hypnobirthing teacher) saying that your "due date" is actually more of a "due month" and the baby is full term up until 42 weeks. I was also getting worried, because Walter who had been born 5 days earlier than his due date was huge...how big would a 42 week baby of mine be? No amount of classes or prepping would be sufficient to prepare me if the baby was bigger than my birth canal. Kill me dead.

When my midwife checked me that week, she said I was at about 5 cm, but that the baby was posterior and sitting behind my cervix, instead of on top. She said if the baby was on top of my cervix, she'd send me to the hospital right then and there, but it wasn't. She also told me that as soon as my contractions started hurting, that I needed to come in, because this baby was going to come fast. 

We did lots of stuff to hopefully induce labor. I went on long walks, rubbed some essential oils all over my stomach, ate spicy foods, and I even tried using the power of my mind to tell baby it was time to come (I was actually really disappointed when that didn't work. haha). I even took castor oil. Horrible, horrible idea, by the way! Gets your body more ready for colonoscopy than child birth. Also if I had been in "that" state on the hospital table with my midwife...yikes.

Levi kept telling me to stop fretting. Baby would come when she was ready. And that she did!

I hadn't been able to sleep much at all that night--the result of not being able to get comfortable. I had finally slipped into sleep when around 4 in the morning on July 10th, I woke with a start. I was in excruciating pain (Lauralyn would say to call it an "intense wave" but no. It was insane). I had never had a contraction that intense before (not even with Walter when my water broke). I thought for sure I had broken my water, but nope. No water. I decided to start timing how close they were. Then I fell asleep...30 minutes later, another one came. Bam! I was on the floor on my hands and knees, moaning. I felt like I was being electrocuted. Everything tensed up, and I couldn't move even if I wanted to. 

I woke Levi up immediately, and told him it was happening. Then, because of priorities (and mostly fear, because when labor's real, it's very real), I told Levi he had to take a shower so that he smelled good while I was laboring. What a weirdo, but it made sense to me at the time. So Levi ran into the bathroom while I finished getting stuff ready. Like packing a cooler full of laboring foods, so that my blood sugar wouldn't go too low. Haha, I was so dumb (those frozen yogurts I brought to the hospital are still in my freezer). But I had my birth plan so I knew how things were going to go!

Levi finished getting ready and texted my mom and Maggie (who was going to come sleep at our house with Walter). I was having a really hard contraction on the floor when Levi came and put his hands on my back and said all excitedly, "So, are we ready to have a baby?!" I started weeping. Actually weeping. I was not ready. And I was freaked out of my mind, because Walter's labor had been so textbook, and this wasn't progressing like I had planned. I had no idea what to expect. 

I gave my sleeping Walter boy a huge kiss thinking of how sad I was that he wasn't going to be the baby anymore and how everything would change (so dramatic). We then went out to the car with all of our stuff. Yeah, that's another thing I planned about delivering natural. We had so much stuff! A birthing ball, a yoga mat, my own pillows and blankets, a freaking cooler. Just a ton of shtuff.

 I was collapsed on the trunk of my car, crying, when Maggie came up and gave me a good luck hug. After that, I decided no more crying! I was a warrior. Women have done this for centuries. I was fine. this was going to be awesome! Oh my gosh! We're meeting our baby soon! Then another contraction would come, and I would think, "THIS IS HOW PEOPLE DIE. I HATE THIS."

The drive to the hospital was awful. During a contraction, I would beg Levi to stop driving, or at least slow down to parking lot speed. Then when it was over, I'd yell, "Go! Go! 80 mile per hour! We've got to get there before the next contraction!" They were like 5 minutes apart at that time. Every second in between was filled with peace and anxiety. Luckily it was 5 in the morning, so there was no traffic to worry about or other cars to judge Levi's sporadic driving.

We made it to the parking garage across from LDS hospital! I got out of the car and was down on the ground immediately. I don't even care if a car hits me. I can't move. As soon as the contraction lets up, I am off the ground, running! I did not want to be contracting in a dangerous spot like the road. My mom and Levi, with both arms full of "important" stuff come running behind me. We make it into the hospital, and I'm down on the ground again.

That was another interesting thing about Millie's labor. I thought I'd be more of a "swayer." Leaning against walls, cradling my stomach, swaying. That's how Walter's had been. But with Millie's the contractions were so intense, I couldn't hold my body up. I had to be on the ground, staring at the floor (or with my eyes clenched shut). The only things I had room in my mind to think about were to keep breathing and that the pain was going to end. That's it. "Breathe" and "I can do this."

I also thought I'd be a silent during labor. Nope. I moaned a lot. And it helped! So cool how the body figures it out. There were some moments when I was actually pretty loud.

A security guard came over and said, "We should move her." I begged them not to touch me and that it'd be over soon. They brought a wheelchair over and as soon as it was done, I got in the chair and they took me up to labor and delivery. They were very nice and said this happens all the time. We got checked in and sent to our room. They said Jenny had been notified I was here and would be in at shift change (about an hour). I didn't want to wear a hospital gown while I labored. They're too bulky and awkward. I was wearing just a shelf bra, tank top, and leggings. 

Since it was nearing the end of their super long shift, the nurses I had were a little cranky. I had strep B so they had to hook me up to an IV for about 30 minutes. Boo! That was the worst part. It was exactly what I didn't want: to be hooked up to a hospital bed. Then one of the nurses started hooking up a fetal monitor to my stomach. "I really don't want this on me. Can you just have it so you only check me every once in a while?" I asked her. She basically responded with a, "Well that's too bad." And stuck it on me. To lighten the mood, I apologized about my bared backside. They laughed. But I wasn't sorry. Not one bit. Cranky fart heads.

Levi knew not to touch me during a contraction. Even a hand on my arm was too much stimulation and would distract me from my breathing. And then in between, he'd talk to me and rub my arm. It's so weird the bipolarity of labor. During a contraction, I'd be begging for relief, honestly feeling like I was dying. And then as soon as it subsided, I felt better than ever, like myself. Laughing, talking, enjoying myself. During those hard times, Levi was awesome. He'd say comforting things to me and defend the unmedicated birth I wanted...even from me. While I was in some pretty bad ones, I was begging for an epidural or anything that would take the pain away and Levi would say, "I know. I know. Just wait. It'll leave." I found out, after the fact, that the nurses got concerned and asked, "What is she asking for?" and Levi said, "Oh nothing. She's fine." While I would have wanted to kill him then, I was so grateful afterwards that he had defended what we had planned for. 

Levi said that the whole time he was worried I was going to leave with a bald spot. I hardly noticed, but every time it got really hard, I would grab onto my hair, up by my scalp, and pull. It helped me focus.

It was during this time that the on-call midwife walked in. "Yaayyyyy! You're here!" My eyes popped open as I looked for Levi. "No!" I whispered. "Not her." This was the ONE midwife out of the 4 at the practice that I didn't want during my labor. She was awesome for clinicals and incredibly nice. I enjoyed having conversations with her, but she was way too happy for me during labor. That's why I wanted Jenny. Jenny's super down to earth. This midwife was not. I was on my left side having a contraction and she immediately came over and rubbed both her hands all over my body. I thought I might explode with all of the stimulation. "Oh please no. No, no. Don't touch me. Please." To her defense, as soon as she saw I needed space, she backed off.  This is why I love midwives. They allow you to have the birth you want as reasonably as they can. She went and filled up the bathtub in the adjoining room for me.

As soon as my IV was out, one of the nurses put on a  monitor that I could walk around with. "This isn't as accurate, but it'll work, I guess." I was just excited to get out of that bed! I went and got into the bath. Levi came and sat on the floor next to me and hooked up my meditations. Oh my gosh. This is where my labor became awesome and beautiful. As soon as my meditations started, I relaxed. The light was off and the room was very peaceful. During a contraction, I'd put my head and hands on the cool sides of the bath and then during breaks I'd relax in the warm water. I even fell asleep several times. My mom was in the other room watching the monitors and she said it was amazing how as soon as I started my meditations, mine and the baby's heart rates were completely in sync. 

I was really hungry, but during every contraction, the thought of food made me nauseous. So much for that overstuffed cooler, haha. 

After being in the bath for a while, Jenny showed up with new nurses who were running on a full night's sleep! I felt so much peace when she came in the bathroom and told me she was there and that I didn't need to worry. I was in the bath for about an hour. The contractions were definitely getting more intense (how was that even possible?!). And even though I didn't feel the urge, I would push during contractions. I honestly was trying to cheat and hoped I could "sneak" the baby out while I was comfortable in the bath... it didn't work.

Jenny came in and asked if I wanted to be checked at this point. I didn't really want to, because that meant I'd have to get out of the bath, but I was hoping that I was close to pushing so that I could be done. Levi and Jenny helped me dry off and get to the bed. Jenny checked and said I was a 9! She then asked if I'd like my waters broken.

 "Will the baby come?" 

She said, "Yes. Very fast."

 "Okay. Let's get this shit over with." Laughs throughout the room. I'm actually really proud that that was the one and only time I swore out loud during this experience. 

Jenny then grabbed what looked like a long crochet hook and I heard an audible "pop" (just like during Walter's) and GUSH! A huge splurge of liquid (gross and yet so awesome at the same time!). I felt instant relief and then... BAM! Dry contractions! It's amazing how much that liquid buffers the pain. But once it's gone, there's no barrier between you, the baby, and the contractions. Jenny got worried and said that there was some green in the amniotic fluid (meaning the baby had pooped and might be distressed). She then called for pediatric nurses. She informed me that if the baby came out crying, all is well. But if it came out quiet, she was going to have to immediately cut the cord and send the baby with those nurses. That made me nervous!

 I got on my knees and held on to the back of the bed. During the contractions, I felt more amniotic fluid gushing out. It was a slippery mess! It's funny how in any other situation, being in any sort of wetness while I'm dry makes me super uncomfortable, but here it was basically nothing. 

I could feel the baby moving down more. Jenny said she needed to check the baby's position (she was worried about infection and oxygen since the baby had pooped). While I was on my back, she said that there was a cervical lip (meaning baby was bearing down, but still behind my cervix) and that explained some of the pain. She then said, "I'm so sorry, Allison. But I'm going to need to have you push on your back. Baby is still very high up and is stuck. I'm going to have to help baby out." If I hadn't been going into shock and getting the most aggressive baby shakes, I would have argued that I could do it vertically. But my body was going into shock and I was starting to feel a panic coming on. 

Pushing was intimidating for me. I could feel the baby's head in my vagina and it was really scary. It also meant there was no going back--this baby was coming without medication whether I wanted it or not! I started to have a panic attack and begged to be able to put my legs down (Levi and one of the nurses were holding my feet up). I felt like I was bound. It was awful. Jenny immediately, shut my legs and rolled them to my left side. She said to lie there for a few contractions. 

I then felt the urge to push! We learned in our class that when the baby's head gets low enough in the vagina, it passes over the nerves that make you have to poop, and that's what causes the urge to push. Crazy cool stuff.

I started pushing, and Jenny had Levi and the nurse grab my legs again. Oh my gosh. It was horrifying. I felt like I was pushing out a bowling ball. I got massive baby and low blood sugar shakes (I was sure wishing I had guzzled something down by now). I could feel my body going into shock and I started yelling and panicking. My mom later told me she had had to sit down, because she was afraid she was going to pass out.

Then I heard the voice of an angel--my labor and delivery nurse. I'm not kidding, those women are Godsends. I'm not exactly sure what she said, but what I heard was, "You're using up too much energy screaming out of your mouth. It's not effective. You need to bear down and scream out of your vagina." The imagery helped a lot. I was able to do just what she said and it made a huge difference! Instead of screaming, I moaned. I could feel the baby moving down! Time ceased to exist as I just completely lived in that empowering, scary moment. It felt like hours. I later found out that I pushed for 8 minutes. Women who push longer than that have every ounce of my respect and deserve nothing but peace for the rest of their days. 

Jenny then announced that she could see the head! She asked for my hand and had me feel the baby's head. So cool and way slippery. She looked at Levi and said, "The baby's head is very big. I'm worried about how she's going to rip (meaning ripping up rather than down). I'm going to need to give her an episiotomy." I wasn't in any condition to consent, so Levi did for me. Levi was sure it would hurt when he saw her cut me, but honestly I didn't feel it in the slightest.

I kept pushing and the nurse kept coaching me. I could hear whispers coming from the pediatric nurses in the corner. I honestly don't remember opening my eyes at all. At 8:03 AM, after a few more pushes, the head emerged! Then the body slipped out! Then she started crying! My body instantly stopped contracting, and everything went calm. The hugest relief ever! She was okay! Jenny placed baby right on my stomach and Levi announced, "It's a girl!" I started crying and whispering, "We did it, baby! We did it!" After a few minutes, Jenny had Levi cut the cord. And I cuddled her for a few minutes. The unneeded pediatric nurses left.

I felt sadness, because since I was so dreadfully exhausted, I didn't have much energy to bond with our little girl. It took me a couple of days and a ton of rest to feel that bond. But Levi bonded instantly with her. I could see it in his face. He was completely in love. 

I held baby girl for a few minutes, but my shakes got even worse and I was afraid of dropping her. And my body wasn't totally done. I asked Levi to take her while Jenny delivered the placenta and started stitching me up. I noticed that they had brought a mirror in for me, but I had had my eyes closed for most of it! The mirror was turned away so I wouldn't see Jenny working on me...but as I looked at Jenny's face I saw through her glasses what she was doing...a war was fought "down there." That's all I'm going to say about it. 

After Jenny was done I got to hold baby girl again. Jenny congratulated us and I thanked her. She said, "You won't be thanking me tomorrow. Baby girl has a big head" The nurses that I had fallen in love with then had me get up and go to the bathroom. That was so awesome! To be able to just stand up after delivery. 

I knew I needed to bond, but all I wanted was a shower. That's it. I could feel the slime and exhaustion, and all I wanted was to get cleaned off. The nurses made us stay in the delivery room for like two hours while they hooked me up to, yet another, IV to hydrate me. The nurses left and I then got to nurse. She was a natural at it. After the two hours they came back in and weighed and measured her. 9 lbs 1 oz. 23 inches long. She was huge!

Once in our room, I was able to take a shower. It was amazing! I felt so good. If I could go back, I would have told everybody (but Walter) not to come and would have slept all day.  But I'm really good with priorities, and told people they could come after lunch. Gawww, such a bad idea. Levi and I were barely conscious! But we loved seeing everyone and celebrating baby's birth! 

Walter was so cute when he met her! I had missed him so bad and was so excited to see him. He ran up to the bed and was instantly in love with her. 

Naming her was trickier than I had thought! She wasn't any of the names we had thought of before. I liked the name Lucy and Levi like Millie. We used both for a couple of days, and finally it hit me. Levi knows this little girl. He knows exactly who she is, just like I had known Walter. So Millie it was! And the name has fit her perfectly. We picked Colleen for her middle name after my Grandma Clark. She was a beacon of love, kindness, and service. 

While I had her I questioned why anyone would do natural when drugs were available. They were invented for a reason! We should be finding animals in labor in the wild and giving them epidurals! But afterwards, I was so grateful I had been able to experience natural childbirth. It was exhilarating. I experienced labor like millions of women have for centuries. I felt a cool connection to them. If I could describe Millie's birth in one word it would be, "empowering." She was such a strong little baby, and her birth made me feel strong. I had an "If I can do this, I can do anything!" kind of attitude.

Her birth was fast and furious. From start to finish, it was only 4 hours long. Levi joked about how he didn't get to use anything he'd learned in our classes. But the thing is, we went in there feeling completely prepared. 

I felt a lot of guilt after she was born, because it was harder for me to bond. I was exhausted and my hormones were a wreak. But after a couple of days my milk came in and things started settling down. Then every time I nursed her I felt this overwhelming love come over me for her. And that love has only grown every day. She's amazing. Her little spirit is so sweet! She's been such a joy.

I never would have believed that I would have 2 kids by age 24. It's been a whirlwind, to say the least. But every single day I am grateful for the my amazing kids. They've taught me more about love, God, pain, and sacrifice than anything else. They're everything to me. I'm very, very lucky.

We love our little Millie Colleen Johnson!

Millie Colleen Johnson

Born July 10, 2014

9 lbs 1 oz

23 inches long