I'm sitting here with the most perfect human-being-baby on my lap and feeling very guilty for not writing (typing...) this all down sooner. So here's my overly detailed, but heartfelt, experience of giving birth to little Walter Levi Johnson:
UPDATE: After rereading over all of this, I see that it’s very unorganized and VERY long. But I had to get it all down and out of my head so that when Walter asks about the day he was born I can give him every measly detail. Details; those are the things I love. Time as well. I think in increments of time. But really. This is super long...
I woke up on September 2nd (friday) really tired. Not only was I making frequent trips to the bathroom (as was my normal nightly routine), but I had also been up late finishing a craft. Which is code for: avoiding going to sleep. You see, if you don't sleep it takes longer for the next day to arrive...and that was definitely something desirable to me. I think I actually believed that I could avoid the next day altogether if I just avoided my bed! I mean I was just barely getting used to the whole "being pregnant" thing! I was just fine with the idea of keeping this little muffin cooking for, oh say, another 18 years... Saying I was scared to finally be a mom is an understatement. A very very large understatement. But tomorrow came anyways...
I woke up on September 2nd (friday) really tired. Not only was I making frequent trips to the bathroom (as was my normal nightly routine), but I had also been up late finishing a craft. Which is code for: avoiding going to sleep. You see, if you don't sleep it takes longer for the next day to arrive...and that was definitely something desirable to me. I think I actually believed that I could avoid the next day altogether if I just avoided my bed! I mean I was just barely getting used to the whole "being pregnant" thing! I was just fine with the idea of keeping this little muffin cooking for, oh say, another 18 years... Saying I was scared to finally be a mom is an understatement. A very very large understatement. But tomorrow came anyways...
We were at my doctor's office by 9:00. "Oh my heavens that hurt," were the words said as my doctor stripped my membranes. Stripping membranes basically feels like you're getting an indian burn, but on the inside. And it's a whole lot more painful. Like a SCALDING indian burn. After that largely invasive trip, we were told to go walk around salt lake until my water broke. YAY! We're on our way! I was at 4 cm.
So we walked all around Temple Square, the mall, and the cemetery for about six hours...and nothing. No baby. Levi would even make me do skipping laps around large areas while he sat there. Heck, we even went and took a nap on the grass right outside the hospital JUST IN CASE. I wish I had kept better track of our conversations that day, because we were both laughing so hard the whole time. I’d say it was my hormones making everything funny, but Levi was laughing too. It seems as if we’re funny under pressure.
Well with no baby and a little bit of sadness, we returned home. It was kind of nice because I got to clean up our house (which I was later VERY grateful to have done). We then went over to my parent's house to visit for a little bit--AKA: for me to complain. I had decided that we weren't going to have our baby until Sunday. I really had convinced myself quite nicely that I had more time.
I had had contractions for over half of my pregnancy, so I was worried I wouldn't know when I was having actual "labor contractions." They were becoming more regular (about every 4ish minutes), so Levi told me to call my doctor. I said I didn't need to because the baby wasn't even coming until Sunday, and if I called Dr. Macy I'd have to go sit in a dumb old hospital until then. But he kept bugging me, so to ease his worrying I called my doctor, and of course, she made me go to the hospital. I was not pleased. Not pleased at all. “My insurance only covers 48 hours in the hospital! We’re going to use up all of our hours just sitting there! Or worse, they’ll induce me too early and Macy won’t get there in time.” My whining comments became more hysterical (to Levi) as my contractions continued to get harder. It was around 9:30 when we got to the hospital. Don't ask me why, but along with a good amount of useless “stuff,” I had packed myself four books to read (I didn't open a book once. What a waste of good literature).
I hate packing, by the way. Just hate it. I’ve never been good at it. I remember one family vacation when I was like 10 everyone was getting in the car and I ran out, both arms stuffed with “piggly wiggly bags” (what my dad calls all plastic store bags) that held a ton of my toys. I didn’t want to leave them at home—I was a child riddled with anxiety, you see. And as an adult, I’m the same way. I can’t stand the thought of not bringing everything I need, along with everything else I own. To make a long story short, it ended with me crying as I had to go put all of my toys in the shed—a very unsafe place for toys you were afraid of getting stolen in the first place—because the house was already locked.
So…
The contractions were hurting quite nicely now--which for some reason made everything even more funny-- and coming just about every four minutes. The labor nurse (whom I later fell in love with. I think it'd be impossible not to fall in love with your labor nurse--she's with you during the hardest hours of your life... and she's in charge of calling the people who give you drugs and take the baby out. A "miracle maker" of sorts) put me into a gown and checked me. I was at a 4 1/2. "How convenient," I thought. 4 1/2 cm is the dilation at which the hospital quarantines a pregnant lady for. She asked my pain scale level and I said I was about a 4 or 5 and wouldn't need an epidural until maybe a 7. She then told us to just walk around until my water broke. I was not looking forward to walking around a hospital baby ward--basically naked mind you--, eating ice chips and melted-then-refrozen-popsicles until Sunday. My mom left and said she'd come back (she was our photographer) when I was closer. Levi then gave me a blessing. Wow, I love him.
It was around 11:15 and we'd been walking around for a while, so Levi went and took a nap. I was not allowed to take a nap as that might relax my body too much. Heaven forbid a woman experiencing painful contractions who hadn't really slept the night before take a nap! I continued walking. I was starting to feel like one of those pioneer children who walked, and walked, and walked, and walked...and walked. But something was happening! I was in pain. It got to the point where I would have to lean against the wall and just stare at it to keep my mind off of the ache until the contraction would let up. There were tears spilling out of my eyes during each contraction. They were so agonizing. They felt like a huge buildup of pressure that would make my whole body (especially my belly) feel like it was being crushed. Kind of gross, but I compare it to popping a zit. The pressure under the skin is what hurts until you pop it and then there's instant relief (like when a contraction would cease). They weren’t very funny anymore…
It was 11:30 when, badda-bing-badda-boom, my water broke! All over the hallway... And of course my dear sweet labor nurse didn’t mind in the slightest. She got me some new socks and then called someone to come clean it up. Probably some poor CNA.
I was then strapped to my bed. A prisoner to the machines that were attached to my body by cords. And no. I couldn't even leave for bathroom breaks. I was dilated to about a 6 by then and really feeling the pain. Worse then I've ever felt, but I was able to make light of it by laughing...and crying. Well, mostly crying. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t talk in-between them. And I could tell my little baby was not happy about being smashed either. I realized later on that as much pain as I was in, I felt like my little baby had it worse. Poor little thing getting smashed and twisted out of the only home he’s ever known. And what welcomes him? Harsh bright lights, loud noises, cold air, and these strange aliens who want to make him cry while they ruthlessly scrub his delicate little skin and suction out his mouth and nostrils.
It was about midnight when I asked for an epidural. Wow, getting an epidural is uncomfortable. Not because of the foot long needles going into my back, but because I had to lean over the edge of the bed and fold in half over a pillow… and my contracting 9 months gestated belly. I was getting attacked from the front and the back. That took about 15 minutes to finish. The epidural was cool, because I could still feel the pressure of the contractions, but the awful pain was gone (and I had thought I could do natural birth. PSH). It was 12:35 by then and the nurse told us she expected we'd have our baby by about 5 or 6 in the morning! We were told to take a nap so as not be too exhausted. We were so excited! Our baby was coming! And I wasn't in pain! YAY!
Levi pulled a chair up next to my bed and fell asleep instantly. But I couldn't fully fall asleep. The contraction pressure was coming every 2-3 minutes, and I just couldn't get comfortable. The pressure started getting more and more intense, so I'd just close my eyes and get a quick nap in between the pain spells. But then I got to the point where I kept pressing the button that gave me more of the medication because the pain had started developing and just wasn't going away. I’d even press the magic little button when it was off, because I didn’t want to wait even a millisecond once the green light would come on again. I even sat there and wondered if it would work the same if I just poked a hole in the bag and chugged the stuff down (pain makes even the best of us irrational).
At 1:15 I "wake up" and start hitting Levi's leg telling him to grab me the garbage can next to him. Out of nowhere I'm throwing up into the trash and in the most pain I have ever felt in my life. I wish there was a better word than "pain." To be honest, words don't do justice to what I was feeling. It was the most amazingly unbearable experience. It was excruciating. The epidural obviously wasn't working anymore. All I could do was moan and try to remember to breath during the contractions. Once they would let up, I would start crying because I was so scared of the inevitable fact that they'd be back. I honestly can't remember whether or not I opened my eyes the entire time. I kept feeling Levi stroking me and telling me when the contractions were reaching their worst and when they were fading (there was a monitor he'd watch). He had to remind me to breath, because I would start holding it. I couldn't even think to breath! But I did try to focus on things that made me happy like: Levi, the blessing he'd given me, family, the fact that we were going to have a baby…death, etc. I seriously think being stabbed by knives in the abdomen wouldn't have hurt nearly as bad. I actually kept telling Levi I was dying and that I wanted him to paralyze me with a hammer. I could see why people who experience chronic pain sometimes go crazy (even in the worst of pain, I'm still my dramatic little self).
I truly believe giving birth is one of the most hellish experiences known to mankind. The pain is inhuman. I felt more like an animal than a cognitively reasoning being. But even in the valley of the shadow of death, there was a silver lining to my storm cloud: For the first time in my life, I was completely one with my body. I was fully living in the here and now--there was no past or future. It was amazing and beautiful. I can't explain fully how extraordinary it was to be so completely one. My Spirit and my body have at times felt like they were more at combat than anything else. But during childbirth they were completely unified. It was a very spiritual experience for me. And I won't lie, the blessing Levi gave me really helped a lot. I just kept thinking back on it, and that brought me comfort. As weird as it may seem, I am so grateful that my epidural wore off. I got to experience something truly beautiful and mind blowing. Labor sucks, but at the same time, I feel like I gained knowledge on the hereafter. Not so much in the pain (unless that’s Hell, in which case, I’ll do everything I can to avoid it), but in the “oneness” of the soul. So awesome.
The nurse came in to check me and saw that I was already at an 8 1/2. I had dilated about 3 cm in one hour. OUCH. The anesthesiologist came in and injected 2 vials of the medicine straight into my IV. I think my body went into a little bit of shock right about then because of all the pain (and I had had quite a few spells of needing to be reminded to breath), because my mind got really woozy. I could completely feel the pain, but my head was floating and I wasn't thinking straight at all. I'm pretty sure I said some ridiculous things to Levi. The pain still wasn't leaving, so at about 2:00 in the morning the anesthesiologist came back and just completely redid my epidermal. Needles and all. I'm really excited to see our bill from him...yeah... But once he redid it, I felt the cool liquid of relief rushing into my spine and numbing me again. But this time I had so much of the medication inside of me that I didn't feel my contractions at all and they slowed down a lot. My doctor was not happy about that. She doesn't like to have pain medication injected so close to delivery, because it might affect the baby's ability to get out. And it did, because my contractions slowed down to every four minutes again, but the baby had to come out this time. So, basically I experienced the extents of natural labor from a 6 to a 10 (the worst part, in my belief) and for a whole hour (it felt like a lifetime). My mom arrived at 2:15, because I had been crying for Levi to call her. She arrived right as he was starting my epidural and she then took a picture of me that might just be my favorite picture of myself. There is so much raw emotion in my face. I look like I had just come out of the bowels of Hell. It's beautiful.
By then they had everything prepped for labor and had called my doctor. She arrived at 2:30. They had me strapped up with an oxygen mask (I honestly have no idea when they put that on me...). At 2:40 I started pushing! So so exciting! But I couldn't feel anything because I was so numb. It made me really regret that last epidural to be honest. I was so mad I couldn't control my legs or muscles at all! And I don’t think Dr. Macy appreciated almost getting knocked in the head by my knees several times. I had wanted a mirror, because I wanted to see everything. You know in movies how there are a lot of hospital tarps all around to basically hide what's going on down there? Yeah, I didn't have any of those and it was AWESOME. They just took off the bottom half of my bed and had Levi and the nurse (my now proclaimed best friend) holding my legs up. So freaking cool. My awesome mom was running around taking a ton of pictures the whole time and trying not to burst into tears.
And then we saw it! A large raisin. The doctor told me that was the head when I started yelling that I was giving birth to a giant purple raisin. My mind was totally freaking out at how excited I was! I was pushing and pushing and pushing! Unfortunately I had to get an episiotomy, which created a lot of blood and meant stitches. Ahh well. But our baby was coming!
Once his head was out, everything happened so fast. Dr. Macy rotated him and out he came! He was born at 3:03 in the morning. Only 20 minutes of pushing. Even now, remembering hearing my baby’s cry for the first time brings me to tears. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. Levi got to yell out and announce that he was, in fact, a “he,” and got to cut the cord. She then started cleaning out his air passages. I was bawling. All I could manage to say was, “Oh my gosh. That’s my baby. That’s my baby” over and over again. My mom came over and kissed my forehead. Any and all love and respect I had had for my mom before that moment was intensified a hundred fold, because I for the first time I truly realized how much love she has for me and all of my siblings. Levi was rubbing my face and kissing me and telling me how much he loved me. I didn’t even know it was possible, but I was even more in love him than ever before. I love my husband with all my heart. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. And we have a BABY.
And then my baby was placed on my bare chest and I got to hold him for the first time. I was astonished at how intense was my immediate love for him. Complete and unconditional love. He was straight from Heaven. He was perfect. Absolutely perfect. And so beautiful. 8 lbs 1 oz and 21 inches long. He was a nice sturdy little guy. I knew right then and there that I was going to do everything in my power to protect him for the rest of his life. Hello, overbearing and overprotective motherhood. I’ve arrived.
Sophie, Jolene, and Steve then got to come in and see him (they were waiting on the other side of the door). Levi gave his mom the sweetest hug I’ve ever seen. I think he was seeing in his mom what I was seeing in mine.
After they left, I got to nurse him for the first time. He was a natural. Isn’t it amazing how someone less than 15 minutes old, who is completely unaware of anything, knows how to get food? I think it’s incredible. I wasn’t aware of it, but I was a bit of a baby hog and didn’t let anyone else hold him. I wanted to just hold him forever and never let go. We were then walked (baby and I were wheeled) into our recovery room for some sleep. We all slept as a little family for the first time. We only slept for a few hours because nurses kept coming in to check mine and baby’s vitals.
Once we woke up, Levi got to hold his son for the first time. He looked so happy. Being a father is very fitting for Levi. He’s a natural at it. He and I had both grown so much from where we had been nine months ago. We were completely new people. Older and wiser. We had developed a relationship deeper than ever before and felt such a beautiful closeness. Levi had been with me since day one and was my solid rock of support. While I was pregnant, Levi had said time and time again how that baby growing inside of me had saved him. And he was right. That baby saved us. He is exactly what we needed.
We then spent the next day and a half recovering. I was so grateful to all the family and friends that came and met the little guy. I loved watching each of my siblings (immediate and in-law) hold their little nephew for the first time. Everyone was so happy for us and excited!
It was interesting how watching my parents hold him took me back to that icy January night as I sat alone outside on the church light post that was directly across the street from my dorm. I had just finished calling my parents to tell them I was pregnant. It was freezing, but I couldn’t feel anything except for these dark emotions of sorrow and shame. My parents had reacted to the news exactly as I had known they would: They were disappointed and scared for me, but they treated me with unconditional love and support. They didn’t for a second make me question their love. Nine months later seeing them hold the baby they had convinced me would be the greatest blessing, made me realize how much more they knew about eternity and parental love than that scared young girl sitting alone in the dark had.
Levi and I then got on to the task of finally figuring out his name. We were stuck between “William” and “Walter,” so we called him both. We finally decided that this little guy was Walter Levi Johnson. It’s a big name for such a little guy, but he’s growing into it quite nicely, if I do say so myself. And don’t worry; his first movie was “Walle.” We found that rather fitting.
We finally got to go home on Sunday, and it was so nice. Don’t get me wrong the hospital was great! All I had to do was push one little button and people would come running, bringing me food, water, whatever I needed. So nice. But being home was nicer.
Little Walter has been the best thing in our lives and we are completely in love with him. Family is the most important thing, and Levi and I are so happy being parents and can’t wait for every adventure we have with this little guy.
We love you Walter Levi Johnson!
Walter Levi Johnson
Born September 3, 2011
8 lbs 1 oz
21 inches long
