My Testimony

I am so mad at myself. Actually, I'm more disappointed in myself. Today in church I had (for the first time in years) the undeniable prompting to bear my testimony. It was a whole anxiety-inducing situation for me. I was perspiring, shaking, nervous, nauseous...the whole sha-bang. And I DIDN'T DO IT. I used the excuse that it wasn't my ward (we were at our new nephew's baby blessing), and I didn't want to take time from it's congregation. But hello?! We're Mormons! We're ALL the same congregation! So anyways, it's better late than never, right? Here's the testimony I wanted to share (I'm obviously going to add more though, since I can type it all out exactly like I want--whereas when speaking you kind of just say whatever word-vomit-bullet-list you think):

These past two years have been the happiest years of my life. I got married, had a baby, and have really started to get to know myself. But these have also been some of the hardest years for me spiritually. Well, not so much hard as questioning. I've really tried to take a step back and deeply examine my religion, faith, and testimony.

In the Mormon religion, we believe that a 14 year-old boy had questions about religion. So he asked the advice of those he looked up to, studied the scriptures, and pondered. And when the time was right, he went to a quiet place and asked God his questions. And God answered! (And in a very personal way!) I wanted that for myself (maybe not the whole "visitation" thing, but definitely the answers). So I've questioned. A lot. And boy, am I glad I did.

I don't agree with everything the Church or its leaders say. But I respect them and their callings. Does that make me feel like I need to agree with everything they say? No. Because while they are called of God, they are still human beings who are capable of making misjudgments. And that makes me admire them all the more. I realized these last couple of years that Joseph Smith is a man of many faults, yet God entrusted him with an entire religious movement. The latter half of the Doctrine and Covenants are filled with some of the most beautiful passages of scripture that I have ever seen. The depths of the sermons that Joseph was giving were truly inspirational and filled to the brim with the Spirit of God. And yet, these came from God through an imperfect man! If he can channel such beauty, then maybe I actually stand a chance teaching primary and am not as under qualified as I had thought! It's okay that I don't agree with everything, because I have faith that I will receive the answers I so desperately seek. 

Next, I've found that by stepping back and reevaluating my beliefs, I've chosen to stay committed to the Gospel. My Grandma hates the story of the Prodigal Son, because she's always been the "righteous brother" that never left. So why does the prodigal get the same reward? I think it's because each of the brothers needed to find his relationship with God in different ways. The one had to leave to notice the absence, while the other never needed that proof. To me, neither is wrong. How lucky for the stalwart brother that he never had to question! Never had to test his faith! Always had his testimony! But that brother is not me. I need to question to have my faith strengthened. I have to push to search for myself what is true and what is not, rather than just accepting all I'm told. It's been through analyzing that I've found my testimony and my desire to stay. I made the realization that life is better with God in it. Regardless of how far-fetched the notion of a higher Almighty Being may seem to some--life is better with God.

Next--and this is a topic that has grown very dear to my heart--through my incesent questioning, meditating, studying, and prayer I have started to gain a testimony of my Mother in Heaven. And the thought that I have lived most of my life not even knowing of her existence fills me with extreme sorrow. The thought that I allowed myself to believe that she was "too precious" for me, or in need of some protection makes me upset. For years I felt like the men of the world were so lucky! They had a dad they could always go to. Someone to look up to and emulate! But I had no mom--at least not a mom who was willing or able to stoop to my dreadful human level and advice and love me. How wrong I was. How naively, foolishly wrong I was. She is my Heavenly Mother. She is real, she is everywhere, and she is amazing. Absolutely amazing. She is far too magnificent to be locked away in hiding. She, with our Heavenly Father, is God. God is not one or the other--it's both. And that's something that isn't said enough! She deserves to be known and acknowledged. I know that I have two Heavenly Parents who watch over and love me each and every day. And I will make sure my son grows up knowing that. 

So while my testimony may be weak compared to others'--it's mine. And I hold it with pride. I believe this church is true. I sustain and admire the leaders of this church. I know of the beautiful opportunity we have to a relationship with our Heavenly Parents, I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior and that the Atonement is truly the most miraculous part of my life. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.